11 Random Things That Might Make Me Seem Crazy

Just for fun, I thought I would post some random yet awesome-ish things about me.  Oh, and  I'm breaking out the bullet points because I can.

•  I have never once lived in a town with more than 10,000 people.  Small town, through and through.

• I have the loudest sneezes of anyone I know.  I often get bless yous from people in different rooms and once someone yelled it to me from outside.

• I often narrate myself when cooking just in case Food Network gives me a call.  I have to know how to talk in front of people.  But I never do this when anyone is around.  Don't want them to think I'm crazy.

• I'm convinced my cat has a psychic bond with me.  I don't have one with her.  I'm not crazy.   She knew when I was pregnant.  Every time I've gotten knocked up, she gets all lovey dovey with me, even when Ken isn't around.  (She's very jealous of him and needs to let him know I'm her person.) 

• I will often walk up to Ken and just lick his cheek.

• I am a statue molester.  Mostly just touching butts but I do have a picture where it looks like I'm kissing a man who is desperately trying to get away.

•  I often keep one or two Christmas decorations up the entire year.  I forget them when putting away everything else and am usually just too lazy to put it away after the fact.

• My first kiss was from a boy who had just cut his leg open with a hatchet.  My dad drove him to the hospital for stitches.

• I had a bridezilla moment in Walmart directed at the photo lab employee.

• My husband was pulled over for speeding the night before our wedding while I was threatening people with scissors.  These people are still good friends.  And this was the second and last of my two bridezilla moments.  Don't want you to think I'm a psycho.

I just realized I really need to blog about my wedding.  I can't just talk about being a bridezilla and not explain.

Have a great Thursday. 

Inviting Cartoon Characters Over

I love this show.

It's freezing (like -14) and I don't want to watch the Badgers lose again.  So I'm spending way too much time on the internet.

Thanks to Jenny at The Bloggess for turning me on to this particular video.

Happy Tuesday you all.  (I'm not Southern so I don't do y'all.)

The Hardest Sins To Forgive

I came across the greatest sound bite on forgiveness today on Mormon Channel's Facebook page.


My sisters and me



The person that I struggle with forgiving is one of my own siblings. I'm certain I also need forgiveness from her too. We have struggled for years with our relationship because of this forgive and forget attitude I (and I assume she does also) think is supposed to be best. So we had periods pretending and trying to be the close sisters that you read about in books and see in movies.

But the strain could always be felt underneath all this sisterly affection. The hardest sins to forgive are often from the ones you love the most, for they often leave the deepest wounds.
About two years ago, I made the choice to forgive my sister for the things that have hurt me. I won't forget them. I also will not carry the hurt and pain. That has made a huge difference in my feelings towards my sister. I no longer feel anger or resentment when she pops up in conversation or my own thoughts.

Even though I love my sister, part of my forgiveness process is keeping her presence in my life to a minimum. It makes me sad to have my own sibling essentially a close acquaintance in my life. But, and I know this sounds awful, she brings very little into my life that is positive. I cannot go through life feeling the need to walk on eggshells every time she is around.

I love my sister. I choose to forgive and then keep her at arm's length so that I can continue to love her.

New Workout Plan

I completely dropped the ball with 30 Day Shred.  Let's face it.  I injured my hip and couldn't do it.  Then the stress of the holidays hit in.

I'm ready to get back in the saddle though.

Not with 30DS anymore.  I came across a blog written by a dancer, Back on Pointe.  You know those neat little workouts on pretty backgrounds that you see all over Pinterest.  She has plenty of those.  They vary in intensity, type, and amount of time it takes.  So you can mix and match workouts to work for you no matter what you have going on.

Plus she has a workout schedule for each month.  She also has a beginner plan and a plan for students that fits better with a student's schedule. 

I'm coming in late in the game but I'm going to follow this workout plan.

I printed out two of each type of workout and just have to pull one or two out each day.
These are the two workouts I'm going to do tomorrow.

Now hopefully this is a workout plan that fits my life.  I think it will be.

Why I Sleep In On Sundays

I have been struggling to share this for a while now.  Forgive me if it isn't very eloquent.

 














I don't actually sleep in on Sundays.  This is why.

I am LDS (or if you are unfamiliar with that term, Mormon).  If you know something about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, you may also know that everything that is done revolves around member participation.  During sacrament meeting (our church service), different members will be asked to give either the opening or closing prayer or one of the three talks (like a sermon).  We do not have a pastor who does all the speaking.  During the other two hours which consist of different classes, members are again expected to open or close with prayer and to participate in discussion.  Teachers are called to lead these classes from the general membership.  Before and after church is a time (unofficially) to catch up with those you know.  Overall, it is a very social occasion.

I suffer from horrible anxiety.  I hate being in social settings.  It is so bad that I rarely go anywhere unless my husband goes with me.  Sometimes, I have panic attacks just from thinking about going places where I will have to interact with others.  So I stay home out of fear, even if I really want to go to some event.

The irony is not lost on me that I am a member of a church that is dependent upon member participation.

One of my goals this year was to attend church every Sunday.  It's only two Sundays in and I have already failed to attend even once.

The reason I decided to write this is because of a recent encounter.  I was asked by the missionaries why they hadn't seen me in church lately.

How do you tell two young men who are serving the Lord full time that you don't go because of what is essentially a mental illness?   I have a hard time sharing this here.  To say it aloud to two young men who may not understand is almost impossible.   So, I left them feeling like they felt that I am losing my faith and that is the reason I no longer come to church.

I am not losing my faith.

The last year has seen my faith strengthened tenfold.  I have started studying my Scriptures instead of just reading them.  I have been making it a point to pray often and daily, which is something I tend to find difficult to remember to do.  I have learned so much about my faith and myself.

Yet I can't go to church.

I prepare myself to go to church.  I study the lessons being covered in classes that week.  I pray for the strength  to overcome my anxiety.  I plan out my outfit.  I do everything to make sure I have no excuse not to go.

Yet on Sunday mornings, I lay in bed, paralyzed with fear that I will have to talk to someone, be asked to give a prayer, or just sit in my seat and have people I know and truly love look at me.  On the mornings when I do get up to get ready, I often end up hyperventilating or crying because I'm so overwhelmed.  And I stay home.

Because home is where I feel safe.  Nothing bad will happen to me at home.

These experiences leave me feeling so incredibly guilty.  I feel like a failure.  Because of my anxiety, I have failed to serve well in the few callings I have been given.  Yet I know, because I have trouble being in social situations, I will have extreme difficulty serving  callings in the future.

I know I should talk to my bishop about this.  Yet I don't.  I feel like if I just prayed more, fasted, etc. etc., I could overcome this.  I'm afraid that this is the advice I would be given.  And even though, I have prayed and fasted, I still have this problem.  And that makes me feel unworthy of asking for help.  (Yeah, suffering from depression does not help my situation at all.)

I wish I had the ability to write everything that I feel.  That would take up more words than I wish to share.  I can only say now that anxiety will no longer be my secret shame.  I have no reason to feel unworthy, even though I know I will continue to struggle with those feelings.   So while I have not said everything I wished to, I hope that what I did write conveys even a little bit of what I struggle with.

This is me and a small part of my story about my struggles, not with my faith, but with anxiety.

photo source